Happy Moms are Core of Happy Family
Having children is a wonderful blessing in a marriage, but somehow in the process of becoming a family, married people often lose the feeling of being lovers. We start to think of ourselves more as “mom” and “dad” rather than “husband” and “wife.”
Instead of discussing our hopes and dreams for the future, our conversation revolves around whether little Tommy went “poo-poo” today or whether preteen Erica needs a training bra. Our hands are too full of toys to hold hands with each other, and our eyes are too busy watching the kids to gaze longingly into each other’s eyes.
My friend Monica grew up in a family with six children. Her mother gave up her nursing career to devote herself full-time to raising the kids. Not surprisingly, she spent a lot of time running them to and from their various activities.
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While Monica’s mom was caring for the kids, their father, a police officer, took as much overtime as possible to be able to cover the expenses of such a large family. While the children prospered, their parents’ marriage floundered. Monica’s parents rarely spent time together, and whatever free time they had was devoted to the children.
One day Monica’s dad devastated the family when he left Monica’s mother for a woman he had met on his bowling team. He told Monica’s mother they no longer had anything in common except the children.
Experts say that couples with strong marriages make better parents. The peace and love they feel from a successful relationship spills over to the entire family, benefiting everyone. Therefore, couples should not feel guilty about taking time away from the children for a “date” or even a vacation together.
Maybe if Monica’s parents had hired a babysitter and bowled together once a week, they would have continued to enjoy some “couple” time together and would not have grown apart.
God intended marriage to be the core of a happy family. Find ways to continue to grow in your love for your spouse. Attend a couples’ retreat weekend. Take a trip together for your anniversary while the grandparents watch the children. Schedule a “date night” once a week. Make your marriage a priority. You won’t be neglecting your children; you’ll be preserving your family.
You would think that after four children and eighteen years of parenting experience, I would have all the answers. My mother’s intuition would be finely tuned, and I would know what to do in every situation. Unfortunately, when it comes to having sick kids, I’m still totally clueless.
Take this week, for instance. Austen (one of my four-year-old twins) started complaining of a stomach ache on Sunday. For the next two days, he had a high temperature and a cough. We debated whether to take him to the doctor.
Was it a touch of flu, or something worse? We finally decided that if he was still feverish the next day, he was definitely going to the doctor. Fortunately, his fever broke the next morning, and he was noticeably spunkier the rest of the day. I’m still not sure what he had, but I’m grateful he’s better!
On the other hand, Austen’s twin brother, Caleb, experienced much lighter symptoms. He had a runny nose and complained of a slightly sore throat, but he never had a fever. He seemed just as happy as usual. I took him to preschool and got a phone call a half-hour later.
“Caleb’s eye is all red, and there’s a discharge. You’ll have to pick him up, and he can’t return to school without a doctor’s note.” I have to admit, I thought the school was overreacting.
Of course his eyes are a little red, I told myself. That happens often when the sinuses are involved. As for the discharge, well, he probably just has a little sleep in his eye. I resented that the school wanted me to take him to the doctor for a simple cold.
Huffing and puffing, I picked up Caleb and called the doctor from the car. When we got to the office, I noticed that Caleb’s eye was “gunky” again and wiped it with a tissue. In the waiting room, more gunk appeared. I had to admit that the school had been right: The poor kid had pink eye and, to top it off, an ear infection!
The moral of this story is that you’ll never know it all. Every day in parenting is a new learning experience—perpetual on-the-job training—even after eighteen years!
Forgive yourself for any moments of cluelessness and know that you’re doing the best you can. Uh-oh, is that a rash I see popping out on Austen’s face??? Clueless Mom to the rescue!
I admit that I tend to be a bit on the overprotective side when it comes to my kids. My husband will suggest that my teenage boys ride their bikes to the beach, and I’ll say,
“What? All that way? Across two busy streets? No, I’ll drive them!” I’ve seen too many news reports about kids getting hit on their bicycles.
When my boys really want to do something and I say it’s too dangerous, they accuse me of not trusting them. “I trust you completely,” I’ll tell them. “It’s other people I don’t trust!”
So, you can imagine my shock when I read that Lenore Skenazy, a columnist for the New York Sun, left her nine-year-old son alone at Bloomingdale’s with a subway pass, four quarters for a phone call, a subway map and a $20 bill. Then she told him to get himself home. She’s either the bravest mom I’ve ever known or the stupidest. I haven’t decided which yet. Thankfully, the kid got home safely, proud of his accomplishment.
Skenazy has been nominated by parents around the globe for both “Mom of the Year” and “Worst Mother” after reading her column and seeing her on TV. (Needless to say, her stunt got her a lot of publicity.) So, why did she do it?
To make a point, of course. She said that today’s “helicopter parents” hover over their children too much, robbing kids of the ability to make their own decisions and be independent, skills that raise their self-esteem and empower them. By overprotecting them, we’re raising children who are over-reliant on their parents, not learning to be self-sufficient because of their parents’ fears.
Could Skenazy be right? Experts say that crime rates have been going down. And almost all child abductions are done by people known to the children, especially parents involved in child custody cases.
And crimes against children tend to get a disproportionate amount of news coverage, making it appear that they are widespread when they are not.
As for me, it’s not so much the crime that I’m worried about, but just their physical safety. What if a driver doesn’t see my kid? What if my son gets hurt? But at the same time, I can see where my own fears have held me back in my life, and I don’t want to do that to my children. I want them to be adventurous and courageous, not fearful and paranoid (like me).
I still think that Skenazy perhaps went a bit too far, but I do appreciate the point she made. We need to let our kids grow up and learn to be responsible for themselves. We need to let them make decisions because that’s a skill they’ll need as adults.
And we need to fight our fears so they don’t cause us to overprotect our kids. It’s a lesson I’m trying to learn. I recently let my 15-year-old sign up for Junior Lifeguard classes at the beach. He’s going to ride his bike several miles there (with two friends), three days a week all summer.
I’m sure my fist will be in my mouth for the first week or so, but at the same time I’ll know that I’m doing the best thing for him. My decision doesn’t make me feel good yet, but it will. And it will definitely make my son feel good about himself. That’s good parenting.
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